Practicing Patience, Understanding, and Forgiveness

A woman named Lori was becoming increasingly unhappy in her marriage. It had started out like a fairy tale, but now, due to various problems and challenges, mutual fault finding, and frequent arguments, her relationship with her husband was deteriorating. She felt she couldn’t leave him because of their three young children, so she felt trapped. One night Lori fell to her knees and prayed, “Dear God, I don’t know what to do with this man. He is so stubborn and selfish. No matter what I do, he won’t listen.” Lori then waited in silence, not really expecting an answer—but one came, and it was not at all what she expected. In a vision she saw her guardian angel, on his knees, praying—using the exact same words Lori had used, except he was praying about her: “Dear God, I don’t know what to do with this woman. She is so stubborn and selfish. No matter what I do, she won’t listen.” Lori was shocked; could it be that Heaven was telling her that she was just as much to blame for the problems in her marriage as her husband?

Lori stayed awake that night, reviewing many arguments and disagreements she’d had with her spouse, but from his perspective—and she finally realized she too had been stubborn, selfish, and unwilling to practice patience, understanding, and forgiveness. It was as if her guardian angel whispered to her, “Things aren’t always as they seem.” Profoundly humbled by the experience, Lori resolved to change. The next evening, as her husband sat in his easy chair after dinner, she came up behind him, put her arms around him, and said, “I love you just as you are.” Surprised and deeply moved, he pulled her onto his lap, embraced her, and answered, “I love you, too—more than you’ll ever know.” The two of them talked honestly all night long, sharing what was in their hearts—and that was a turning point in their marriage. Reflecting on this some years later, Lori wrote, “My fairy tale marriage remains ‘happily ever after’ because of that angelic visit, and I am eternally thankful. I will always remember his divine lesson: be humble. Focus on my own faults and shortcomings. Love unconditionally as I hope to be loved. And never, ever give up on others the way I hope my guardian angel—and God Himself—will never give up on me” (Amy Newmark, Chicken Soup for the Soul:  Angels All Around, pp. 174ff). This true story illustrates quite nicely what Jesus is saying in the Gospel of Luke (6:39-45). If we focus on the faults of others, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment, failure, and ultimately, divine judgment; if instead we focus on our own faults, we’ll have an easier time finding happiness and peace as we grow in God’s grace.

Jesus our Savior is extremely demanding—and also extremely understanding. Living by His standards is quite difficult, but as long as we make a sincere effort, and resist the temptation to judge others, the Lord is very merciful and accepting of us, despite our weaknesses and faults. As the Book of Sirach (27:4-7) says, our words reveal our character; the good news is that if we control our words and refuse to criticize or condemn others, our character will begin changing for the better. St. Paul (1 Corinthians 15:54-58) advises us to be firm, steadfast, and fully devoted to the work of the Lord—and if we are, this leaves no room for pointing out the faults of other people. Instead, as Jesus says in the Gospel, our hearts will produce good fruit, and we will be able to guide others in the path of righteousness—not by self-righteous words, but by our humble example.

Do you ever find yourself, once you’ve retired for the night, lying awake in bed and remembering what happened to you that day—in particular, the ways certain people irritated or offended you? I think that’s a very common experience—and there’s a Chinese proverb that offers some wise advice on this matter. It says, “Think of your own faults the first part of the night when you are awake, and [think] of the faults of others the latter part of the night—when you are asleep.” We don’t grow in holiness by dwelling on the failings of other people, but we can achieve real spiritual progress by humbly recognizing and admitting our own. As the holy French pastor St. John Vianney instructs us, “One is often carried away over the sins and shortcomings of others. It would be far better to talk less about them and to pray more.” Furthermore, our own Blessed Solanus Casey, the saintly Capuchin priest who humbly ministered in Detroit for many years, used to say, “Be as blind to the faults of your neighbors as possible, trying at least to attribute a good intention to their actions.”

Jesus is pleased when we think kindly of others, especially when they wrong or offend or annoy us. Yes, there are times when we may have to admonish or correct others—especially if we have authority over them—but this should always be done in a humble and respectful way. This is especially true when it comes to marriage and family life, for it’s so easy to take for granted the people we live with, overlooking their good points and obsessing over their weak points. Spouses, parents, and children play such an important role in God’s plan of salvation, and the renewal of our society and of the Church has to begin in the home. In this sense, each of you is on the front line in the ever-intensifying war between good and evil—and so your efforts to be truly loving, forgiving, and accepting are far more powerful and important than you can imagine.

It’s unlikely that, like Lori, we’ll ever have a vision of our guardian angel praying to God and listing all our weaknesses and moral failings—but these faults certainly exist, and it’s foolish of us to ignore or deny them. None of us is perfect—but through God’s grace, all of us are called to achieve that perfection which will allow us one day to enter into eternal life. Such holiness comes through honesty and humility—and these are indeed the keys that will unlock for us the gates of Heaven.