The Silent Cry

An excellent book on end of life issues is To Die Well by Stephen Doran, MD.  He writes: “‘Put it out of its misery.’ So many times we may have heard that phrase used to justify the killing of a sick or injured animal. The critically acclaimed movie They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? (1969) centers precisely on this proposal. As the movie begins, Robert, the leading male character, recalls when a horse with a broken leg was shot to end its misery. The movie tells the story of a dance marathon, and the twisted series of events that leads Gloria, the main female character, to become utterly despondent and on the verge of committing suicide. She pulls out a gun in order to kill herself, but she is unable to pull the trigger. She turns to Robert and pleads for his help. Robert acquiesces to her request and shoots her in the head. When questioned by the police as to the motive for his action, Robert responds, ‘They shoot horses, don’t they?’” 

Robert’s disgusting reaction leads us to believe that if killing a suffering animal is merciful, killing a critically ill human being is more merciful. Today taking a life, alone or with help from others, is more common and more acceptable than it has been in the past. In the United States, suicide, assisted and otherwise, is one of the leading causes of death and in this medical context, we have death support terms for it such as assisted suicide, euthanasia, end of life medication, death with dignity, medical assistance in dying, treatment for lack of well being, and related words. They are common, even promoted. We must be constantly vigilant against this current trend. Life is a gift from God to treasure and it is an erroneous ideology that states taking a life is freedom of choice, mercy killing, or death with dignity. We affirm the dignity of life. We know death does not define the limits of life and are aware of quality palliative services. Our dignity is not based on how we feel or our personal opinions. It is based on the fact that we are sons and daughters of God. How often does this fact take precedence over ever changing life diminishing social trends that are swirling around us?

In a culture that thinks suffering in a sickbed makes life no longer worth living, people enduring other kinds of suffering are more vulnerable. The rate of suicides has accelerated in recent years. Every suicide has social ramifications. Because it is a choice against life, it weakens the social structure. Fulton Sheen said, “The great numerical increase in suicide, which merits to be called suicidism, is symptomatic of a spiritual disintegration, a sapping of the will to live, a plunge into the irrational and the meaningless self destruction.” Suicide is an abrupt and desperate end to a vexing problem. To try to avoid suicidal thoughts is a realistic attitude. One possibility would be to objectively and unemotionally examine that problem and work with it or through it with the help of a trusted, wise friend or professional counselor.

Although suicide is a serious transgression against life, the person committing suicide may not be capable of making that decision with complete freedom of choice because his or her mind is unable to think correctly. Without full freedom, there is no full consent, and in such a case, suicide cannot be judged as a serious sin. It would be doubtful if it can even be considered a sin, since the person is no longer in control of his or her own thoughts and actions. This is why we should be cautious about saying “committed suicide.” People “commit” crimes and sins, but not suicide if they cannot think rightly and therefore act irresponsibly. A person with a mind alteration such as clinical depression, or other mental condition, is seemingly incapable of thinking about the value and sacredness of life or the goodness of God.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states, “Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear of hardship, suffering, or torture can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide.” (2282) For those who took their own lives consciously, there is no way of knowing if  they repented split seconds before they died. We must never judge, say or think persons who have gravely sinned are in hell.  It seems to be a sin against the benevolent mercy of God if we say N . . . is going to hell, or N . . . is in hell. Who are we to judge? We must hope in the power of God’s mercy. He alone knows what is in the depths of a person’s heart. Because suicide is so complex, our Christian response should be less about fear for the person’s eternal salvation and more about the compassion of God. God’s mercy is equal to all humanity, and beyond our comprehension.

Commonplace

Taking our life is not an uncommon thought. When we feel overwhelmed, it can distort our thinking to the point that we temporarily are not thinking straight. The reasons for suicide are myriad, in the form of recurring obsessive irrational thoughts, by an overwhelming desire to escape a situation, intractable physical pain, prolonged mental anguish or protracted soul distress. Suicidal thoughts can be like an endless storm it seems we cannot weather. If we express a wish to die, it may be interpreted as a need to know that we are still loved, worthwhile, needed, will not be abandoned or seen as a burden. Perhaps we want reassurance that we will grow in and perhaps through whatever is troubling us. If we verbalize a plea to die, it may be because we are not able to verbalize a cry to live.

During her final days, the most beloved saint of modern times, a young Carmelite nun, Therese of Lisieux experienced an incredible amount of pain. She told her prioress how agonizing it was, and the temptations and self doubt she experienced. “Watch carefully, Mother, when you will have patients a prey to violent pains; don’t leave near them any medicines that are poisonous. I assure you, it needs only a second when one suffers intensely to lose one’s reason. Then one would easily poison oneself. . . .”  Meg Hunter-Kilmer tells us that Blessed Benedetta Bianchi Porro (1936-1964) began to lose her hearing as a medical student, but doctors believed it was psychosomatic. It was Benedetta who diagnosed herself with von Recklinghausen’s disease, a neurological condition that would ultimately rob her of all five of her senses and leave her paralyzed, able to move only one hand. Her suffering threatened to plunge her into despair, leading Benedetta to write to a friend (from her seventh-floor apartment), “There are times that I would like to throw myself out the window.” But she was supported by a community that knew the value of her life, and she was strengthened by the love of Jesus. In the end, Benedetta was able to write, “I do not lack hope. I know that at the end of the road, Jesus is waiting for me. . . .   My days are not easy. They are hard. But sweet because Jesus is with me.”

The Zebra

People who loved the person who took his or her life suffer the most. It puts a burden on them. Bereavement by a suicide can cause anger, confusion, disgrace, helplessness, or guilt. Survivors are at risk for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), long term grief, depression or even suicidal behavior themselves. In particular, children who lose a parent to suicide are at a greater risk for depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or self harm. Survivors of people who have taken their lives need care. Because of the stigma associated with suicide, loved ones can easily feel marginalized or neglected. An unknown author expressed it well. 

I am a survivor of suicide loss, a zebra among horses; distinct from those who have lost a loved one by other means. I feel separated from the herd, corralled by such loss. I do not grieve the same as you. My challenges are very different. I cannot respond to things as you do, and nothing anyone can do or say can remove this pain from my heart or the questions from my mind. My grieving process is complicated, it has added stripes. I am a zebra among horses. I may appear to be like you, but inside the differences are as marked as the stripes that distinguish a zebra from a horse. This knowledge that I am different wears on me like a heavy, ill fitting saddle. I am a zebra among horses; I am like you, yet not like you.

If we have frequent suicidal thoughts what can be done? If they persist, cause stress, or interfere with daily activities, we need to get professional help. Getting help is like using a flashlight when we are lost in the dark. Not getting help can make things much worse for us. To refuse or deny our feelings can cause them to become more intense. It is harmful to keep negative death thoughts locked up inside of us. No one knows about them and they can become worse. To acknowledge them, and talk about them to others with whom we trust and feel safe, can lighten and soften them. 

No matter what the problem, when life seems unbearable we need to find that silver lining—to look for or identify a positive aspect or hopeful outcome in a difficult or unpleasant situation. What seems important today may not be important five or ten years from now. It is easy for us to be so wrapped up in our personal troubles that we forget there are many beautiful things for us to experience beyond them. “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” (Thomas A. Edison)  

A simple prayer, by us or a friend, can be comforting and reassuring. A friend who offers quiet prayer, a loving presence, encouragement to endure and sparks of hope, is just what we need to see beyond dark death thoughts to the light of hope and sound choices. Saint Pope John Paul II reminded us that true freedom is found in choosing to do what one ought, in alignment with truth and the divine will. Suicide is an act of trying to force one’s own will on God and that never works.  God promises to be with us and helps us persevere through suffering, in whatever form it takes. 

Three pillars are a great asset for this arduous journey. The first is faith. Faith is a gift that enables us to have the conviction of things unseen and the confidence in things hoped for. (Hebrews 11:1) We believe in a personal God who created us, to whom we will return, and for whom we live his commandments. The second is prayer. Prayer is our spiritual lifeline through which we commune with God.  We know we are loved by him and trust in him. The third is grace.  Simply put, grace is the mysterious working of God’s life and love within us, to which we respond. All three pillars offer peaceful comfort and sturdy support. Faith sustains us, prayer energizes us, and grace keeps us moving forward. The apostle Paul encourages us:

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romas 5:1-5

Author Allie Marie Smith has written:

What if I told you not to leave? What if I told you that you would get through this? That you are stronger than you think you are.

What if I told you this world is not better off without you in it?
But that it is more beautiful because you are here.

What if I told you there are good gifts waiting for you on the other side of this darkness.? That you will smile again.

What if I told you that this is not your fault? That there is help and hope is alive.

What if I told you we need you to stay? That you are loved more than you can comprehend and there is a good plan unfolding for your life.

What if I told you one day your pain can be transformed into purpose? If I told you these things, would you please stay?

What if I told you I was that girl who almost left too soon? What if I told you I discovered good gifts on the other side of the darkness? Would you believe there is hope for you too?

I know you feel alone and hopeless, but hope is alive and available to you. You are not alone in your thoughts or in your pain. Many others, like me, have been where you are and have endured hard days to find joy and purpose again. If you are struggling with thoughts of ending your life, please tell someone immediately.

This world needs you to stay.