Mary Magdalene: A Friend to the Grieving

“After he had risen from the dead early on the first day of the week, Jesus appeared first to Mary Magdalene, from whom he had driven out seven demons. She then went forth and related the story of his appearance to his weeping and mourning companions. However, when they heard that he was alive and she had seen him, they refused to believe it.” (Mark 16: 9-11)

“Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and saw that the stone had been moved away from the tomb. Therefore, she ran to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved, and said to them, ‘They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him.’ Mary Magdalene remained weeping outside the tomb.” (John 20: 1-2, 11)

To understand grief is a difficult task. Truly, it is one of the hardest things to deal with in the Christian life. Without going into pain too deeply, we need to talk about theology in this discussion. I want you all to enter this issue with seriousness and reverence for this sacred space, the space of our loss. The hope is to give you some starting points to understand the place of grief in your spiritual life and how God is with you in your trial. This is “a theology of grief and mourning,” modelled on St. Mary Magdalene. She was the first disciple to encounter the Risen Jesus in a number of the Gospels, and she is a friend to us in our grieving.  

First Lesson: God is with you in your time of trial

I remember when my Grandma died. Her name was Mary. I was 11 years old, and she died after a long decline. She died in her daughter’s home, lovingly surrounded by her family. Her death was expected, although I didn’t understand what it meant. I went to St. James Church, where my Grandma had worshipped God all her life. I was let out of class at the parochial school to attend the funeral. The funeral Mass and the burial afterward seemed normal, as far as funerals go. But I still wasn’t ready to let her go. At her graveside, I prayed for God to bring her back, to let her live again. I just couldn’t let Grandma go. After the funeral, I was very angry and couldn’t come to terms with her death. I just couldn’t understand why. My mother found me in my room, and I talked it over with her. Something just didn’t seem to unwind. One night, days after the funeral, I had a dream that I saw Grandma again. She was asleep, then she woke up again, and was fine. What did it mean?

For me, death is like that. I don’t understand it, and really, no one else does either. It is that one malady that we cannot cure, that one “problem” that we cannot solve. No one wants to talk about death in our society. Cultures around the World deal with death differently. The Egyptians mummified their kings in preparation for the afterlife. The people in the Philippines and Latin America have vibrant and life-filled processions. In Mexico, there is a tradition of placing Marigolds on the tombs of the departed. In our country, we have funerals with eulogies and celebrations of life. All these things taken as they are, death is part of life’s journey. Remember, it is not the end. Really, it is the time when one exits stage right and the next act begins. Death is not only an end; it is life entering a new phase. Where is God in our grief, then? Why the pain? The pain and the grief of death are how quickly it happens, and how permanent it is. It cannot be reversed. Let us turn to John 11:25 to hear Jesus’ words to Martha and Mary, “I am the resurrection and the life.” That is His promise. Do you believe it? I do, and I invite you to take the time to renew your belief in His promise.

So, I have this invitation for you. Take the time to write a letter to a lost loved one. Speak to them candidly, tell them how much you miss them, how much they mean to you, and please don’t hold back. These letters are for your own account. Do not share them. This is how we move forward—turning to Christ in love and trust. 

Second Lesson- Dealing with the Loss of Loved Ones

Grief is a time of trial. To explore grief at the loss of a loved one is to explore hallowed memory. This is sacred ground where we walk, remembering those who have gone before us, who we’ve loved and lost. Sometimes we lose someone through death. Other times someone is lost (to us) because of circumstance or the ending of a relationship, be it friendship, romantic, etc. We are invited to look beyond our loss to understand how we can carry on in the wake of losing the beloved. Here are keys to navigating the grief we experience this grief.

Memory. This is all we have left when we have lost someone we love. It is so hard to understand loss until it hits home to you. How can we stay close to our loved ones when they have passed? All we have left is their memory. The things we did with them, how we encountered them, the time we spent with them, and what we take away from their memory. This is the beauty of memory. How amazing it is! Our memory connects us to this old past. When we remember, we encounter them again. Remember the play Our Town, when George and Emily get married. In the next act, Emily dies in childbirth. She revisits an old memory of one of her birthdays. George, her thoughtful husband, carries on her memory after her death. “Does anyone understand life,” asks Emily. The manager answers, “No one really. Saints and poets, a little.” Take the time. Understand life through your memory.

Questioning. Let’s get down to it. Dealing with the loss of a loved one shakes you to your core. You cannot say that you will not question or to doubt why God allowed such pain to befall you. The departed one suffered, yet it is our pain that we deal with. I know the story of a person so aggravated by the loss of her father that she angrily confronted God while praying in Church. “He had so much left to live for. It wasn’t his time.” She let God have it in no uncertain terms, and she left Church feeling better. She came to terms with God about the loss of her father. For me, death is hard to fathom. We lose someone in death, and we can question why they are gone. All the same, it puts one at ease to know someone is gone and at an end to suffering. Whatever you feel, don’t be afraid to question. Death is not the end. God wants us to have the answer, his truest answer, Jesus.

Never Lose Sight of Them. I never want suffering to be diminished or minimized as something easy to get over. The pain of loss is very real. So many people whom I have lost through death or conflict still stay with me in my heart. I want to encourage you, never lose sight of them. You may not feel their presence. You may never understand their absence. You might even doubt that they are still alive or in contact with you. Please believe, you still can see them. Not just in memory but in practice. Your loved ones are still with you. Never lose sight of them. Go back to them. Embrace them. Their love is still very real and ready to be found.

Really, love is never gone. I do believe that authentic love heals the soul. Especially after the time of grieving is over. I say over, yet it is never finished. The human soul and heart do not stop loving someone simply because their presence is no longer visible in this mortal veil. Your beloved is still with you. In your heart and in your soul. Paul told the Presbyters of Miletus that they would never see his face again. Jesus told his disciples that where he was going, they could not follow. One day, they would be with him in paradise. Our love for one another, when it is real and inspired by faith, is beyond natural. It is supernatural and not lost. You will see your loved ones again. Just believe. Choose to believe it. The loss of loved ones is the greatest trial, and yet, we will see them again.

Let’s take the time right now to seek healing in the Church. Share your experience in your parish or in a faith-based convocation. What was the greatest challenge of your loss? Why did it affect you the way it did? Are you at peace? What are the ways that you have coped, and are coping, with this loss?

Lesson Three- Dealing with Our Own Loss

Dear Friends, 

We are on a journey when we deal with grief. Understandably, the subject matter is very hard to deal with. The loss and the pain of grieving a loved one in death are all emotional subjects to address and come to terms with. Now, beloved brothers and sisters, I want to focus on the importance of one important subject: YOU.

Giving yourself room to breathe. I believe that people are neglectful of their own healing too often. The world and society tell us that we need to simply move on from grief. What’s done is done. Don’t waste time mourning. In truth, healing from loss takes time and cannot be dictated to you by someone else. To mourn the loss of a loved one, or deal with a tragic circumstance, or even the death of a dream, are all legitimate parts of mourning, and it is your right to respond as is best for you. Don’t let anyone take away your peace. You owe it to yourself to come to terms with your own pain. Breathe. Just breathe. Let God’s light reinvigorate you. You are not alone. Breathe, in body and in soul, breathe.

Give yourself the room to grieve. Grieving is hard. Let’s face it. To grieve is almost too hard to accept. When I say I am grieving, I admit that I have lost someone or something important to me and that I am powerless to get back. This is beyond hard. The challenge is difficult, really impossible to deal with on my own. I need God to guide me through grieving and through the death. Death is both before me and within me. Grieving gives up any claim to self-sufficiency and independence from pain. Grieving means that I let my walls down, just for a moment, to let Jesus enter in. He promised new life and resurrection to Mary and Martha for Lazarus. He promises us life right now. He is the life of the soul. Let this humble yet powerful Savior come back into your soul. Give him access to your heart. Grieving is never easy. Grief is a necessary step to the healing that only God can give us.

Give life a chance to rebound. Remember, dear friends, life ended is not life extinguished. The life lost in death is not gone forever. New life is pouring forth throughout our lives. St. Paul wrote that what is mortal “will be swallowed up by life.” (2 Corinthians 5:4) This new life is eternal. No disclaimer or caveat comes with it. God promises new life to those who are faithful to him and hear his call. Such is the beauty of our faith. Moreover, the reality is that death is permanent from this vantage point. While the real reality is much different. Jesus is waiting to give us life again. Just remember this, please, don’t give up on life. We can choose to “get busy living or get busy dying” (“Red” Ellis Redding, Shawshank Redemption).

Give up despair, don’t give up on yourself. I want to end this retreat with a reflection on the need and desire for restoration. When someone is lost, we want them back. When something is broken, we want it fixed or replaced. When a relationship ends, we want to restore it. Above all, our hearts want to fill voids, and nature despises a vacuum. Whatever is devoid by absence can be filled by presence. Don’t give up! Be present to yourself. Allow yourself to know you are loved.  In our society, people are either too self-indulgent or too self-deprecating. You don’t have to put yourself down. Nothing that happened is your fault. Take time to appreciate yourself. Allow yourself to love yourself. Know that your lost loved one does as well, and know that God’s love and boundless mercy are beyond our fraternal love. God gives you “agape,” selfless and unconditional love. Our Lord selflessly and full-heartedly loves each of us. Don’t forget it. Give up despair, but don’t give up on hope. Don’t give up on faith and love, and never give up on yourself.

Note to self. Write a kind-hearted note to yourself. This is for the future. Let yourself know what you want to remember in the future: days, weeks, years, and decades from now. Be generous with yourself. God doesn’t hate you or want you to be self-loathing.  He says to you, “I am with you to help.” Write a full-hearted letter to reassure you of who you are and what you mean to God and the World. Let it be known: you are loved, you are strong, you are ready. 

Finding Jesus with Mary

Mary Magdalene never gave up her love for Jesus. Her friendship with Christ and love for her teacher caused her to keep vigil at his graveside. Why did Jesus appear to her first? I cannot answer the question of this mystery definitively. I can say that she was the first to return to honor Jesus, and Jesus was the first to seek her in his risen joy. Let us draw solace from this story, Mary Magdalene’s faith, and Jesus’ loving return.

“The Angels asked Mary, ‘Why are you weeping. She answered, “They have taken my Lord away, and I do not know where they have put him.” As she said this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus. Jesus said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you looking for?” Thinking he was the gardener, she said to him, “Sir, if you have removed him, tell me where you have put him, and I will take him away. Jesus said to her, “Mary!” She turned and said to him in Hebrew, “Rabbouni!” (which means teacher). Jesus then said to her, “Do not hold on to me, because I have not yet ascended to my Father. But go to my brethren and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.” (John 20: 13-18)

Amen.